I had a house full of sexy boys today (and one girl).  If I was corny enough I would have had that "It's Raining Men" song stuck in my head...but I'm not.  My favorite borderline jailbait Aussie boy, Jamie, surprised me by stopping my.  For those of you who don't know...about three or four years ago he used to work the concession stand at the movie theater near my old house, and I would flirt with him everytime I went in there.  Eventually we started hanging out and became pretty good friends, I introduced him to one of my little cousins and they've been dating for a couple of years now.  Anyway, he stopped by to see how I was doing...we hadn't seen each other in quite a while. 

While he was here, Clark Kent (my former fuck buddy Chris...he seriously looks like Tom Welling) also stopped by.  I've talked to him recently, but I hadn't seen him since my wedding.   He came by to tell me he's getting married...to one of my friends from high school, MinhAnh.  I'm happy for them, they're good for each other.  They're both in medical school, so nobody can really get mad about the other's schedule...they both understand.  They're just a cute couple anyway.  He came bearing gifts that he and MinhAnh picked out for Caden.

Then James stopped by, adding to the fine collection of sexy men I had going...but he came with the wife (Ryan).  She felt like getting out of the house since she had been on bed rest for so long...which I totally understand.  That beautiful bitch is damn near back to pre-pregnancy form and it hasn't even been two weeks since she gave birth.  I hate her, but I still love her though.

And that super sexy husband of mine was also around.  If I could keep them all around for another three weeks...maybe this pregnancy thing wouldn't be so bad. 

My new goddaughter graced the doorstep of her new home for the first time today.  Ryan and James are excited...this is their first official day as a complete family.  She's such a gorgeous baby, the future of sexy bitches is looking bright.  I think we may have created two monsters though.

My daughter has hair flip skills well beyond her years, and miss Asha isn't even a month old yet and she has already been inspiring envy.  Ryan told me a funny story about what happened when they went to see her yesterday:

When Ryan and James went to see Asha yesterday there was another woman there visiting her baby.  So the nurses were gathered around telling Ry and James how beautiful  Asha is, and apparently the other mother wasn't too thrilled with that.  Ry said she head her say something like "eh, she's average".  That's hilarious...the girl is already causing problems.  I don't even want to think about her high school years.

Caden should come out and meet his future girlfriend. 

I don't like Oprah, never have, probably never will...and the more she does the worse my opinion of her gets.  Like this bullshit she has on today.  She sent three suburban mothers to experience prison...what the hell for?  What is anyone supposed to learn from this?  Is this fucking scared straight for highly unlikely murderers or something? 

I could see if they were beating their kids or something, then it would be a valid idea to show them where they might end up if they continue on that path.  But this?  I guess this is her way of trying to get people to view the world through someone else's eyes...but boo to that.  I have no sympathy for murderers and theives.  For those who are there unjustly...sucks for them, but still not my problem.

I have to wonder about the mental capabilities of these people...after all they did volunteer for this.  Damn, I guess some people really will do anything to be on Oprah.  Now these fuckers are on here all traumatized and crying...serves them right for doing this dumb ass experiment.  She should just cancel the show and call it a day, she has obviously run out of ideas.   

My current wardrobe is about as deficient as Oprah's book club.  I'm all Elisabeth Hasselbecked (who by the way is totally useless on The View, but the kid has style) out with these damn off the shoulder sweaters.  Maternity jeans suck monkey ass too...big ass elastic band.  That is not sexy!

"Umm, you could have warned me that my crotch would be on fire for weeks."  This is the kind of warm greeting I get from my good friend Ryan...to which I replied "Jut sit on your donut and shut the hell up."  There's just so much love in our little dysfunctional relationship.  I don't know if she was expecting me to kiss it and make it better or what, but umm...that's not bloody likely.  She is indeed hot, but not that hot.  No, no, no...my job is provide half-assed moral support, abusive terms of endearment (ie. "you beautiful bitch" ), and the occasional bruising makeout session.

On to other things...

Hmm, there aren't really any other things to talk about.  Oh, did you know "Mrs. Potter's Lullaby" was written about Monica Potter?  Well now you do.  Apparently Adam Duritz became a little obsessed with Monica Potter after he saw her in some movie.   She's cute enough, but a tad too similar to Julia Roberts in the mouth area...which sucks for her.

I really don't know where men get this "women can't drive" thing from.  Excuse me Mr. I-Lean-So-Far-Back-In-My-Seat-I-Can't-See-Over-The-Wheel, but I will literally drive circles around your ass.  See me on the track, sucker!  It never fails, anytime I'm around a group of men and driving comes up, they say some stupid shit about women drivers...then I have to set these fools straight. 

One of James' friends said he didn't believe I could drive when I mentioned racing the other day.  You poor misguided loser.  He challenged me to a race, so we have a date set for the end of May.  Scott tried to warn him, he told him it was a bad idea to challenge me on a track...but he didn't listen.  Oh well, new shoes for me when he loses.  I've got moves he has never seen.  I'm going to lap him and circle him (pull up beside him, cut in front of him,  move to his other side, drop back, get behind him and do it all over again)...and point and laugh while I do it.

You don't know about Skip Barber racing school, bitch!  I will work you! WORK! YOU! (c) CT from Real World Paris.

Abstinance education may be the stupidest thing ever.  I mean really, who thought that was a good idea?  If anything it probably only makes sex more appealing...everyone wants to taste the forbidden fruit.  Saying "don't have sex before marriage" is just encouragement to get married when you're still young and immature just so you can have sex.  I'm convinced that idea is in direct relation to the high divorce rates.  I think proper use of contraceptives should be taught, it's an important thing to know...but I know better than anyone that condoms and other methods of birth control aren't 100% (I have condoms to thank for both of my children). 

Regular sex education and abstinance education both make penetration sound like it would elicit the most heavenly feeling in the world.  It's ok, but in all honesty, it's more than a little overrated in comparison to other things.  I think the best and most effective thing they could do would be to teach the art of semi and fully clothed foreplay.   Creative and safe, yet fully sexually gratifying touching. 

If I had to choose between penetration and the contrasting feelings of a warm mouth and a cold glass being alternated on my nipples...penetration is getting thrown out on its ass with no hesitation.  A little creative nipple stimulation never hurt anybody...never got anybody pregnant either.  Anyway, if they taught the art of foreplay in school, think of how many people would be spared the experience of a totally awkward and unsatisfying first time? 

I think it would take the appeal of the forbidden out of sex.  Teenagers (hell, adults too) have a lot of sexual tension, it needs to be released somehow...and foreplay is a safe alternative.  Full on intercourse doesn't seem so great if you're getting some kind of release.  Yeah, yeah...there's masturbation, but that's not as satisfying as having someone else bring on your release.  Personally I find that masturbation only leads to further frustration...a longing for someone else's hands to do the work.  

Foreplay Education...it's a good thing (c) Martha Stewart. 

As many (ha! like anyone reads this thing) of you already know, I have a new addition to my family now.  Caden was born on April 19th...7 pounds, 9 ounces and 21 inches long.  He's still funny looking right now so I don't know who he looks like yet. 

I'm at home now (obviously).  I woke up at 10:00 pm, so now I'm wide awake and bored out of my mind.  Babies are so boring at this age.  I'm becoming great friends with my ice packs and pain killers though. 

This is a sorry state if I've ever been in one...I've got a bra full of cabbage leaves (this better work) and a crotch full of ice.  A stomach full of vodka would be lovely right now but I don't think I'm supposed to wash the percocet down with that.  

I don't know why everyone thinks you're supposed to be totally dysfunctional after you have a baby.  "What are you doing online already?"  Dude, I had a baby, not a triple bypass.  Childbirth isn't so traumatizing that I can't manage to type on a laptop from the comfort of my bed...I'm not sitting in Kinko's right now or anything. 

I'm good, the baby is good, Scott's happy, Jacen is pissed...all is right with the world. 

Marmamarmari wants to know what the cabbage leaves thing is all about.  It helps to relieve engorgement...why it works better than ice packs I couldn't tell you.  I'm down for trying anything that will get me out of these frickin bras.  Now on to other things...

I had a ridiculous amount of people in my house yesterday.  Alvin, the Jack to my Karen, flew in from Cali with his fabulous boyfriend Adrian.  I call them the fashion police...they have no mercy.  Ryan bought me some Agent Provocateur to wear so they wouldn't tear me apart for not looking cute.  They don't care that I just gave birth a week ago, but that is why I love them. 

So in addition to them I also had my parents, Pascale, my cousin Taylor and her three kids, James, Asha, Ryan and my husband's brother Royston here too.  Royston was on the verge of getting his ass kicked.  He kept giving Ryan those Constantine (yes, from American Idol) looks.  He was just blatantly flirting with her.  James is quite secure about their relationship, but he still doesn't want to see some other dude fawning over his wife like that.  The funny thing is, Royston knows she's married and has a baby...but he's just that smarmy of a guy.  What he doesn't know is that she's totally uninterested.  If he was a hot woman he might have a chance, but her heart belongs to only one man and that's James.

I guess I probably should have gone for the breastfeeding thing, at least that way I would get to see my son occasionally.  Scott doesn't seem to want to put him down.  I hear he's doing fine though. 

I'll end this with something completely ramdom:

Mary Kay Letourneu is kind of hot...she has MILF potential.